while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
