Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
