I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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