hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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