I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize