do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Drunk is not a location!
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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