saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize