I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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