i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
