I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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