Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
