I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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