I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
