Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
