I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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