I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
