I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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