I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You made out with two different species that night
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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