Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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