Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
