I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize