Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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