you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
