I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
