I must be too annoying 4 u.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize