Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
