omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
