when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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