I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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