Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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