I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
