i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
