his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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