Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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