Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We need a shit load of segways right now
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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