It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
