I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
