Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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