My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
You were trust falling into bushes
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
