if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
