I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
