If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
