I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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