i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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