Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
