the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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