I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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