Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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