I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
