Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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