dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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