there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
