No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
