i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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