oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
