Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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