My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize