I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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