Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
