I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You made out with two different species that night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
