my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
