I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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