I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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